Sitting on the Couch

Thoughts have flooded my head lately of days, of months, of years gone by and what I may have lost. My one dream was to have a very close knit family with all the love and compassion wrapped tightly around each person's heart. We raised our children to be loving, compassionate and respectful of each other's lives. In my family of origin, this was not practiced so both Papa Benchly and I were in agreement to practice these three messages to our children. It was not hard teaching our children these lessons and they were great learners. Yes, they had their fights and squabbles but in the end, they still loved each other and respected each other. It showed daily. I remember we would sit the two or sometimes three children on the living room couch when arguments broke out. It was their responsibility to figure out how to solve the conflict and to get on with their play. Normally, it took them only minutes to resolve the situation. Sometimes, it took a bit longer but in time, you knew the problem was solved when laughter was heard from the next room. That was always the sign for us to re-enter the living room and find out how they reached the solution. It was great to see our children growing in love, compassion and respect. Or as they say now......."we just wanted to get on with playing."

Times have changed and children are grown. Now when these grown children have arguments, I wish that they would come back to the "sitting on the couch" remedy. One talks about the other not listening, the other wants to live their own life and not be judged, the other wants all to just get along. All I want is for these three children to love each other, have compassion for each other dreams and wishes and to respect each other's way of life. It's not hard to do.

Lately, I've pondered the idea of sitting the two that are arguing on our couch and making them stay there until this problem is resolved. Just the two........no spouses, no parents, nobody but those two. Intervention maybe but in my eyes, getting these young adults to realize how lucky they are to have each other would be a reward to the whole family. We were a very close family and that is all I pray for now. They have to solve this conflict on their own but I pray that it will be sooner than later.

Understanding a Portion of Myself

It's been a while since my last and only posting and part of the reason was "intentional." Papa Benchly has contemplated retirement for a few years now and I believe he's finally thinking that sooner, rather than later, might bring about this huge change. He still doesn't know what he'd like to do once he retires from his calling but I say, "Take a short break, relax and catch your breath. You've worked 40-some years in this field, it's time to kick off your shoes. The rest will fall in place later." Yes, that is what I would say!!

Meanwhile, the idea of retirement threw my head into turmoil. My days began looking for the perfect retirement home and ended with looking for the perfect retirement home! Life seemed more hectic, more mind boggling and my attachment to the computer was almost constant. The idea of finding this house was so exciting and yet so consuming, it was driving my whole life into an abyss. My mode was "I WANT IT NOW" and nothing else mattered. All I wanted was a house to call our own and the relaxation that comes with retirement. I cherished the thought of having the ability to do whatever I wished. I jumped at the prospect of taking a ride and looking at homes, checking them out, deleting the ones we didn't like. Every thought and action was fast and furious. If each house wasn't right, I became discouraged. If we had to wait for Realtors or Brokers or anyone that kept me from getting "this perfect house", I would fall completely apart. It got to the point that I hated..........literally HATED looking for a house. Then one day, with a bit of help from my therapist, the real reason for this need to have instant gratification for my wants, wishes and demands surfaced. This is what I learned and came to understand about myself and the need for the "Perfect House" right now.

MY STORY........
I was born third child of four, the only daughter, in a white, fairly wealthy, prominent, church going family. I was very fortunate to live in a beautiful house, never wanting for much and having my own wonderful bedroom. What more could any one person want? Oh let's see....... .......hmmmmm..........Oh yes, I know. They would want this place to be safe! Nice house, nice bedroom but was it safe? Not in the least! You see, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional house where sexual, physical and emotional abuse ran rampant. My only safe haven in this house was my closet. I could hide in my closet for hours and daydream about the impossible. At a very young age, I learned how to walk on egg shells, how to roll with the punches, how to dissociate in order to survive. From my memories of my past, no wonder I want to have the "Perfect House."

All of my adult, married life, I've lived in houses supplied by Papa Benchly's work and they have been safe for me and my family because of my immediate family, but the houses that became our homes for the time being, weren't ours alone. Renting places would have been easier because we could have withheld rent until our needs were met. In the case of Papa Benchly's work, we had to beg for things to be fixed and then if we were lucky, the task might be accomplished a year down the road, two years and sometimes never. Going without water, an oven, a refrigerator or heat is one thing but having to beg for the essentials like a bathroom that works is humiliating. So retirement is looking so good!

Understanding this need has lightened my load and has brought me to see that looking for the "Perfect House" will never happen but finding the "Perfect Safe Home" to call our own could be just around the corner. I just have to slow down, be patient and of course have a bit more faith in my higher being.

Mama Benchly's Writes

First, I have to explain my name......Mama Benchly. This name was given to me by my son, Seth who created it for his blogspot. Thanks to Seth, I won't spend two hours trying to think up a name that explains who I am. I'm not as creative as he when it comes to chosing original names but I am creative in many other aspects of my life, which will be shown in my writings sometime in the future. As for now, I will start off rather simplified.

In the not to distant future, I'll turn 61 years. You think, "WOW, that's getting up there." What I think is, "WOW, 61 is getting younger all the time." People are living so much longer than even 20 years ago with the help of modern medicine. I recently took a test that predicts how long you'll live and to my surprise.........according to my lifestyle now, I'll be between the ages of 89-95 years. I laughed out loud when that age appeared. Who knows for sure? Nobody does and that's okay for me. I do know that I intend to live as long as I can but I won't fight death when it comes. I look at death as "The circle of Life." I will, however, not sit around and ponder death. My daughter , Amy, recently sent me a song she found on 'Youtube' titled "We Live On Borrowed Time" by Norm Lewis. YouTube - WE LIVE ON BORROWED TIME by Norm Lewis It's beautiful and expresses how I feel about living. Take a listen.............why are you waiting? Enjoy!!!!

As I listen to the song, I reflect on the many blessings I have in my life. I have been married to my best friend and love for 38 years, have three loving and beautiful children and their spouses, and five blessed granddaughters. They are all "the sunshine of my life" and I will live well so I can share their lives unconditionally. We all live on borrowed time so make it last by living every moment, every hour, every day. With my family by my side and in my heart, I will never be alone.